Why earth is called earth, and not assbeads

Stardate: 10774.321

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyse a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

Lazarus Long (Time Enough for Love)


In the beginning God, the great Product Manager, didst summon unto Him his crew and said unto them, yeah, did he say ‘lettest us create a new product unto ourselves. We shalt call the front-end ‘Earth’ and the back-end ‘Heaven’ and yeah, shalt we support the firmaments of the earth with minified CSS.’

And one of the devs at the back didst say, ‘word!’

So it was that in the beginning was the ‘word.’

God saith unto Michael, the director of UI, ‘draw unto me thine first prototype.’ And Michael didst say, ‘I shall copy elements from other successful products and slappeth our logo on top of it like, yuno, literally every designer.’

God saith unto Michael, ‘yo, what,’ and Michael didst emphasize his point by sketching in his notepad a planet that resembled every planet in an older, established solar system. When he was done, he added the Heavenly logo unto it and didst declare it original.

‘No,’ saith the Lord, ‘but I do admit, I admire some elements of thine borrowed concept, so shalt we name it our first prototype. We shalt call it, for want of a better name, Mercury.’ And the Lord saw that it was good, so everybody had a pizza and closed early.

Evening came and Morning came, a release date was scribbled on a piece of paper, then promptly ignored.

A lot of time did elapse wherein God assumed unto Himself that his team shalt stay committed to the release date and so didst he continue on His administrative path, coloring in Excel spreadsheets (‘red for urgent and important,’ yellow for ‘urgent but not important’, as it was written in that Stephen Covey book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People )

And one day did he call unto Uriel. Uriel, saith The Lord, update me on the progress of Project Earth.

‘It goeth quite well, My Lord,’ beamed Uriel suspiciously. ‘We hath set up the IDE for everything and such.’

‘Lo,’ saith the Lord in much aggravation. ‘It hath been a day since I gave thee the commission, and thou knowest that a day is akin to a thousand years in mine sight. Accordingly, it hath taken thee a millennium to set up php?’

At this point was Uriel retired as team lead and Michael was promoted forthwith for his effort with Mercury. He drew for the Lord some more prototypes and defined the potential stack upon which they would be built.

During the heavenly stand-up, Michael didst brief the entire team, saying, ‘behold, the designs my team and I hath wrought.’

And he unveiled Venus, and the Lord saith, ‘this shalt not scale.’

And he revealed an updated Mercury, and the Lord saith, ‘it shalt overheat our servers.’

And so it went, until Michael revealed unto the crew Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune. Upon seeing this, the Lord asketh unto Michael, ‘why doth these prototypes have wedding rings?’

‘I am very lonely,’ admitted he.

‘Of these wireframes,’ saith the Lord, ‘only the one after Venus showeth promise. What did you name it?’


‘You also named Uranus, didn’t you?’

‘Yes,’ saith an angel hidden in the shadows. Much was his embarrassment.

‘We shall call this one earth.’

‘But — ‘

‘No, Gabriel, we shalt not name it Assbeads.’

And the project didst begin, and every finger clattered upon the cosmic keyboard and space was cleared in the Cloud.

Lucifer was hired to optimize the team process, an activity that was vaguely defined at best, but he was considered to be ‘working’ when he causeth the crew to submit prompt reports on activity. There was no proof that this was in any way connected to their productivity, but it feeleth nice to have color-coded spreadsheets.

Evening came and Morning came, and not a piece of work was done, but the spreadsheets were delightful, so everyone had a pizza and closed early.

After much redefinition of project objectives, upon which the file was edited and modified to include add-ons to a project which was supposed to start small, but resources now required it to balloon to unprecedented proportions, whereupon the team neareth its millionth commit and version upon version hath been released (yet, somehow, they remaineth unusable), God didst discover that the timeline hath been extended and His wrath was kindled upon the team. ‘Know ye not that though we be timeless beings, time is of the essence!?’

‘Knoweth we,’ cougheth a small voice in the back. It belongeth unto His Son, Jesus, who was filled with much compassion for the crew, which sleepeth little and eateth naught but plantain chips and Mirinda since the inception of this project. ‘But thou knoweth that bugs doth surface spontaneously whenever we are ready for any release.’

‘That is because thou dost not observe the best practices!’

‘Nay, but we do. It appeareth that while men slept, the enemy comes and soweth bugs.’

‘What? Is this true? Doth someone sabotage our code?’

And so it was revealed that Lucifer had been taking Coursera coding courses and thought unto himself, ‘lo, I hath learned enough to try mine hands on the JavaScript,’ wherein he maketh edits while the crew slept unto the code and pusheth to the live server.

But Lucifer’s knowledge, needless to say, was shit, so didst he crash the server frequently. ‘Art thou sorry?’ asketh the Lord of him.

‘Nay, in truth, but I am glad for the learning experience.’

And so was Lucifer banished from the Project, and he did apply to the rival company, wherein he became CEO and commandeered their resources unto tarnishing the Lord’s project.